I’m starting to see a particularly grating caveat appear on the bottoms of numerous girls’ pages. It differs from profile to profile, but generally it’s to the tune of “When you message me, it better be something interesting, not just “Hey what’s up?” or “So what do you like to do in Grand Rapids?” Generally, they’ll preface with something like “I don’t mean to be bitchy but…” and then proceed to, you know, be bitchy. I understand the motivation, believe me; any moderately attractive girl on the site probably gets messaged a hundred times a day, and sure, after a while, that kind of thing can get stale. But given the dynamics of the situation, it quickly starts to feel like you’re on the set of some 70′s sci-fi B-Movie where women have taken control of the world and men are paraded in front of them for amusement until one is selected for ritual mating purposes (and before any of you even think about stealing that idea for a really awesome porno, DoubleD and I have been working on the script for years). It’s a dating site; the onus isn’t just on the guys (if that were the case, it’d be just like the real wor-awwww….)
Another major issue I have is that a large number of girls on here are in relationships. Who in their right minds would let their significant other keep an active online dating profile I don’t know (but apparently it’s a common problem. Simon Grant has even posted about it on her fantastic blog Sex, Lies, and Dating in the City-read the post here, and check out the rest of her posts too). And furthermore…what the hell are these girls looking for? An upgrade? Doesn’t seem like it, as every one of them feels the need (OFTEN IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS) to make sure that everyone knows that they’re in a happy, devoted relationship and are, under no circumstances, looking to cheat on their happy wonderful boyfriends.
“Maybe they just want a friend, M-!” some of you female readers out there are saying, to which I respond “get a cat and save us both the trouble.” See, the problem is, forming platonic relationships online is just weird (not to mention so 1992). Even weirder than romantic/sexual relationships.
Which brings us to “Eva”.
She was absolutely gorgeous-a real knockout. And, despite the numerous WARNING: BOYFRIEND signs all over her profile, I sent her a message anyway. She responded in kind, and we had a nice back and forth for a couple of days. Nothing too forward; though she didn’t mention her boyfriend once, I wanted her to initiate that vibe. And then I got this message:
“I’ve been in GR since the beginning of January, and the only time I’ve gone out was St. Patrick’s Day! I know, I know, I’m disappointed too!”
Now you tell me…what would you say to that?
So I messaged her back and told her that Grand Rapids had a lot to offer, and that I’d love to show her the town.
That was a full week ago. No response. Total radio silence.
So what exactly was the right answer there? Or, more importantly, what exactly was she looking for? This is a dating site. Did she just want to exchange pleasant little emails with a stranger for eternity? That’s what Omegle is for! I can only assume I was immediately put into the “guys who just want to take me away from my loving and compassionate boyfriend” category (whom, by the way, must be pretty damn boring if he hasn’t managed to take her out since January).
So what is it, then? An ego boost? An aphrodisiac? Stella getting her digital groove back, just to prove she can?
I don’t have the answer.
But I know I don’t like it.